Then you should know that the only thing that stops me from ending all of this is fear of eternal damnation. Not sure if that proves to be a good or bad thing.

myself slipping deeper.

I feel completely and utterly stuck. It’s been six months and I’m not over him… as much as I’d like to think I am. He’s left me a brokenhearted mess. I read a letter he wrote to me, saying that he’d be in my life for as long as I would have him. Well I didn’t ask him to go did I? Who’s going to clean up this mess of me you’ve made? I sat through Shawshank Redemption with the family, a waste of a fucking classic movie only because the first time I saw it was with him. It’s funny how my brain forgets all of the things I want to remember and retains all of the things I want to forget. I still remember that night perfectly. We were huddled up on the couch in the living room, I was lying in his arms while he played with my hair. It was the most content I’ve ever felt in my adult life. And now what? Six months later I’m still sitting on a couch only it’s in my parent’s living room and I’m crying to my laptop at 1:55 am. Fuck being emo.

Oh Ahmed. So we’ve been talking a lot as of late and with each conversation he makes his interest in me more and more obvious. I don’t like games so I finally decided to ask him straight up what his intentions are- is he just flirting or does he see a genuine potential for something more? He then told me that he was testing the waters to see if I was in a relationship, etc. And that he wanted to know how I felt about him, if I still felt the same. “I’ll call you tonight so we can talk about it,” he said. Well he never called. It’s been over one week, nothing. I tried to make excuses for him, there was just a big earthquake in Algeria where he is stationed, but it was further north of where he is. I wanted to make excuses for him, but I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s just an idiot like the rest of them, especially because my brother in law would kick his ass if he knew that Ahmed was trying to play me. I made the mistake of thinking perhaps this time it could be different but alas, no. Another day another drama. *Sigh*

I knew that moving back would not be easy. I’ve been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the last few months and the entire time I was in my apartment in Orange County I was in a constant state of uneasiness. I told myself before moving back to be prepared for some sort of breakdown and that is exactly what I am faced with at this time. It’s been several weeks since I moved back and I still have not completely unpacked. I’ve spent entire days in bed. All of my old friends up here have been asking me to see them but I’ve been avoiding it and if I do see them, I do it begrudgingly. I spent a day contemplating the different ways I could kill myself. I tried to imagine what my Mom’s reaction would be if she came home from running errands and saw my slit wrists, or how long it would take for my parents to check on me in my room only to find that I’d overdosed. My happiness is fleeting but my pain remains constant.

I packed up all of my shit today and was on my way :) My parents told me I should leave tomorrow but I was anxious for a fresh start.

It was 7:30 p.m. by the time I left, which put me at Grapevine well past sunset. I already am a squeamish about driving through the mountains, but driving through them at night is a panic attack waiting to happen. As I was going through the mountains in my u-haul truck towing my car behind me, it started to rain. I literally could not see more than 30 feet in front of me. On top of that, the truck felt like it had no grip so I was swerving in and out of the other lanes. I had a panic attack right then and there. I started hyperventilating and crying. I then stopped, reminded myself to breathe and started reciting dhikr. I drove 30 miles through the Grapevine reciting dhikr at the top of my lungs until I reached the bottom.

Once I was safely through I decided to get gas. I failed miserably at making the turn toward the pump and luckily some nice Asian guys decided to help my sorry ass :D

What else? My mom finally convinced me to stop at a hotel- choice digs of the night? You guessed it, Motel 6! Once inside the "lobby" I was greeted by the hardened stares of what I assumed to be Russian mafioso, because honestly, what other kind of Russian is there?

I Love Motel 6!!

While I'm not sorry to say goodbye to an apartment that I did not feel safe in, days filled with emptiness and nights filled with despair- I am sorry to [for the time being] say goodbye to an amazing city and an incredible group of friends.

Had my going away party tonight and it was truly a memorable night. Adrian was drunk out of his mind, chasing Cleo around the party talking in his "British" accent. Liuzzi was being a perv as always, telling me he knows that he creeps me out. Ugh haha! Aaron appointed himself bartender and made a blockade around the kitchen... I saw his asscrack tonight when he was bent on the floor cleaning spilled cake :(

I had my palm read tonight... totally haramadan I know! Apparently, I have a lot of secret admirers who will never get the guts to tell me how they feel because I intimidate them :P I've also had my heart broken (well,duh!) Hmmm what else. I'll be successful, I'm driven school/career-wise. I'll have two kids, oh and marriage is DEFINITELY in the cards. Haha you crazy ass palm reader!

Oh, I was also followed around the party by a guy who kept telling me how attractive I am in my hijab haha He was going up to his friends saying, "Hey man, isn't this girl beautiful?" I was like ummm, awkward? One thing about our conversation struck me though. We got on the subject of women. Women are always the first to suffer, in wars and in life. Men use women as tools to defeat other men. When women are broken, society is broken. We are the glue that holds society together. We give life. We give life and men take it. They know that we are strong, stronger in many ways than they will ever be so they break us. They don't want us to know the power we have, how strong we really are. And some of us don't know, but most of us do.

And I'm filled with a sense of sadness/hopefulness. Buh. LA/OC has been my home for the last four years. I've made so many wonderful friends here and it sucks that I have to say goodbye... again.

I'm supposed to leave in 3 days and so far I've only got the living room packed up. My apartment is filthy and when I say filthy, I do mean FILTHY. I know that I should be getting more done but when I start organizing I come upon bits of my past and it debilitates me.

God my blog is depressing haha

I went to the police station to pick up a copy of my police report today. I've come to the conclusion that I do not like being identified as "Victim #1" and "Jane Doe." After virtually no assistance from the police on my case and the officer who was assigned to it telling me I had no chance in court as it was my word against my rapist's, I decided to close my case. And today it ends.

I looked at the cadet incredulously when I was told that I would need to pay $2.50 and scoffed in disgust that a victim of crime should have to pay to receive a copy of her police report. After tossing my money on the counter, I held the report in my hands.

I made the mistake of reading it, I don't know why I did. As I sat in my car outside of the police station smoking cigarette after cigarette, I searched for answers throughout it's 11 pages. I found none. Only:

"She walked back into her bedroom. She was standing next to the bed when he entered the room and grabbed her from behind. He pushed her onto the bed face down. He then rolled her over and choked her with both hands. She tried to push him away from her but he was too strong. She is unsure of how long he choked her but she felt very dizzy and almost passed out."

"During the interview she did not have any emotion. She explained the events without crying or getting excited. I tested her validity by exaggerating some of the details that she told me. Each time she would correct me and tell me exactly what she told me the first time. I noticed that she had an approximately 3 centimeter scratch on her right wrist."

"Azzam told her to report the incident but Doe refused. After work on 2-5-08, Azzam finally convinced Doe to report the incident."

Friday night after class I was standing around with my brother and our friends Thien (gay) and Molly (lesbian) when we got on the subject of fag hags aka fruit flies. Ben had never heard the term so I explained to him that they are [desperate] women who latch onto gay guys. Molly then said how she hates when she sees how straight women act differently when they're around gay guys, they start talking like them and act in a way they never would around straight men, or even in many cases their female friends. I knew what she was talking about because it's a peeve of mine as well, but then I came to a realization. Often straight women can be who they want to around gay men without fear of judgment. Society decides the difference between a lady and a slut. I myself have faced judgment from female friends when I talk to them about relationships, sex, etc. Most openly gay men have already shed their fear of sexual societal stigmas and because of this, they can be less quick to judge should the topic of sex arise. For example, if I was to tell a female friend a kinky fantasy of mine it would probably be met with "ewwww" or "TMI!!" whereas if I was to tell Thien or one of my other gay friends it would probably be met with "You dirty little slut I love it!!" The topic of sex with many gays is, in my experience, met with a lightheartedness, whereas with many straight people it's all about norms and taboos. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just thought it was interesting I suppose...