I'm feeling this pain
Your pain
Beautiful girl
My world
Don't worry my babies
Daddy's coming home tonight
Those beautiful brown eyes fill with tears
Don't cry
Sweet girl
My world

Found this sad piece of my writing from the NY days...

My my, it has been a while. For reasons unknown I shall be writing this particular entry in the third person... so let's see what SGO has been up to for the last month, shall we? She was very very depressed for a while, June was a month of pain. How can she fight the battle when the enemy is unknown? She took a drive to the beach one day and in a moment of desperation, of feeling so completely and utterly alone, that not a soul understands her, she asked a wandering man if he needed a ride. Of course, this was way out of the ordinary for SGO, but like I said, it was only that moment. He said no. She continued to drive until she parked her car, read "The Secret Lives of Bees" and smoked away. She watched as the same wanderer walked past her car, wondering what his story was, if he was loved. She drove home.

The days passed, each becoming more unbearable. One day she had to go to the hospital to get her medicine, she asked her brother to go and he told her he was busy. They had a big fight. She finally said all that had been unspoken, all that he had done to hurt her. She was cursing, she was crying. Her mom asked if she wanted her to go to the hospital with her, she yelled at her mom which of course made her feel terrible. She left the house and drove. She considered ending it, her friends hadn't proven themselves and now neither had her family. She went to the hospital instead... spending four hours of her life there resulting in some of the best news she had heard in a long time. Her friend David texted her in such a way that he could never fully know what it meant to her. She knew then that he would always be there for her as he had throughout their friendship. She met David and Jaena for an evening of fabulous food and even better conversation. These were her people.

The following day she felt invigorated, alive. She held the master plan. She paved the roads for her own future.

Then you should know that the only thing that stops me from ending all of this is fear of eternal damnation. Not sure if that proves to be a good or bad thing.

myself slipping deeper.

I feel completely and utterly stuck. It’s been six months and I’m not over him… as much as I’d like to think I am. He’s left me a brokenhearted mess. I read a letter he wrote to me, saying that he’d be in my life for as long as I would have him. Well I didn’t ask him to go did I? Who’s going to clean up this mess of me you’ve made? I sat through Shawshank Redemption with the family, a waste of a fucking classic movie only because the first time I saw it was with him. It’s funny how my brain forgets all of the things I want to remember and retains all of the things I want to forget. I still remember that night perfectly. We were huddled up on the couch in the living room, I was lying in his arms while he played with my hair. It was the most content I’ve ever felt in my adult life. And now what? Six months later I’m still sitting on a couch only it’s in my parent’s living room and I’m crying to my laptop at 1:55 am. Fuck being emo.

Oh Ahmed. So we’ve been talking a lot as of late and with each conversation he makes his interest in me more and more obvious. I don’t like games so I finally decided to ask him straight up what his intentions are- is he just flirting or does he see a genuine potential for something more? He then told me that he was testing the waters to see if I was in a relationship, etc. And that he wanted to know how I felt about him, if I still felt the same. “I’ll call you tonight so we can talk about it,” he said. Well he never called. It’s been over one week, nothing. I tried to make excuses for him, there was just a big earthquake in Algeria where he is stationed, but it was further north of where he is. I wanted to make excuses for him, but I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s just an idiot like the rest of them, especially because my brother in law would kick his ass if he knew that Ahmed was trying to play me. I made the mistake of thinking perhaps this time it could be different but alas, no. Another day another drama. *Sigh*

I knew that moving back would not be easy. I’ve been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the last few months and the entire time I was in my apartment in Orange County I was in a constant state of uneasiness. I told myself before moving back to be prepared for some sort of breakdown and that is exactly what I am faced with at this time. It’s been several weeks since I moved back and I still have not completely unpacked. I’ve spent entire days in bed. All of my old friends up here have been asking me to see them but I’ve been avoiding it and if I do see them, I do it begrudgingly. I spent a day contemplating the different ways I could kill myself. I tried to imagine what my Mom’s reaction would be if she came home from running errands and saw my slit wrists, or how long it would take for my parents to check on me in my room only to find that I’d overdosed. My happiness is fleeting but my pain remains constant.

I packed up all of my shit today and was on my way :) My parents told me I should leave tomorrow but I was anxious for a fresh start.

It was 7:30 p.m. by the time I left, which put me at Grapevine well past sunset. I already am a squeamish about driving through the mountains, but driving through them at night is a panic attack waiting to happen. As I was going through the mountains in my u-haul truck towing my car behind me, it started to rain. I literally could not see more than 30 feet in front of me. On top of that, the truck felt like it had no grip so I was swerving in and out of the other lanes. I had a panic attack right then and there. I started hyperventilating and crying. I then stopped, reminded myself to breathe and started reciting dhikr. I drove 30 miles through the Grapevine reciting dhikr at the top of my lungs until I reached the bottom.

Once I was safely through I decided to get gas. I failed miserably at making the turn toward the pump and luckily some nice Asian guys decided to help my sorry ass :D

What else? My mom finally convinced me to stop at a hotel- choice digs of the night? You guessed it, Motel 6! Once inside the "lobby" I was greeted by the hardened stares of what I assumed to be Russian mafioso, because honestly, what other kind of Russian is there?

I Love Motel 6!!